UNCLE ERNIE: A Week In The Life

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By Ernest Stewart

Ernest Stewart (Uncle Ernie)

“Israel is not a foreign occupier. Jews have been living in that land continuous­ly for over 3500 years. Arabs, on the other hand, are occupiers of the entire Middle East and North Africa, which they conquered through violence and colonized it with settlers.” (Applause.) ~~~ Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu before Congress

“A man with a conviction is a hard man to change. Tell him you disagree and he turns away. Show him facts or figures and he questions your sources. Appeal to logic and he fails to see your point.” ~~~ Leon Festinger

And then a little white shape looked down at me.
He said “Heaven is where you ought to be.”
He said “Come with me, cause I know just what to do.”
And I said, “Go away, I’ll stay right here, with you, and you and you!”
Heaven And Hell ~~~ Ronnie James Dio

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me, help me, help me, ooooo.
Help ~~~ The Beatles

It’s been one of those weeks for our beloved Fuhrer! First, he decided to be the great peace-bringer like George the lesser tried to be, but Israel wasn’t buying his 1967 borders trial balloon. After a couple hours trying to convince Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to go along with his plan, and a news conference which plainly showed Netanyahu’s displeasure, Barry was off to AIPAC to scrape and bow to his Israeli 5th columnist masters, while Bennie went before Congress to remind them where their million dollars checks come from, and make sure that Barry will get no support from Congress including the members of the Democratic majority in the Senate, who have all been bought and paid for by Israel — amongst others.

Then it was off to Europe to make plans for the invasion of Pakistan. Barry’s first stop was Ireland where the presidential limousine nicknamed “The Beast” got stuck in the driveway of the US Embassy in Dublin. Then it was off by chopper to a small Irish village of Moneygall to visit the site of his ancestors, and you probably thought he was from Kenya, huh? No, his evil white side is from Ireland!

Then Barry was off to England where he brought British Prime Minister David Cameron in line for their next adventure in Pakistan just as soon as the Libyan mop-up operation is finished. Then another round of scraping and bowing before the Queen and Prince Phillip, and then getting to meet Prince Willie and Princess Kate whose wedding Barry wasn’t fit to attend — being partially black and all and then learning that his code name for the visit is ‘Chalaque,’ which is a Punjabi word meaning someone who is too clever for his own good, or, in American, “Smart Ass.” Scotland Yard insiders said that codewords are randomly generated by computer, but the Sunday Times “wondered why officials decided to stick with them, when they could have simply had another word selected that would be less provocative.” Perhaps it was because the FBI gave the Queen the code name of “Big Bee-otch” on her last visit?

Next on the tour are stops in Poland to tell and learn a few good Polish jokes. Then it’s off to France for another G-8 conference to divvy up the spoils of war between the member states and to get the members on board for the up-coming war with China which recently said that our planed invasion of Pakistan by the US, NATO, and India which would be considered an “Act of War” by Beijing! Still got those Y2K rations? You’re going to need them, America — real soon!

In Other News

I see where we’ve had another example of corpo-rat global warming way down yonder! The tornado that ripped apart Joplin, Missouri was spawned by corpo-rat global warning and is a vision of things to come and come and come again!

You have to wonder about the folks who chose to live in “Tornado Alley.” I remember seeing on TV an interview with someone that had their house flattened in a Kansas town that was wiped out, and they said they were going to rebuild. Did I mention that this was the seventh time in nine years that the town had gotten hit by a tornado? No wonder insurance rates are so high! They get an “A” for being tenacious, but an “F” for good sense!

Oh, and for those of you who have survived nature’s assault in various tornados and who are desperately awaiting help from FEMA, don’t hold your breath as House Majority Leader Eric Cantor is holding FEMA hostage until he gets to destroy Medicare. No funds for the tornado victims until he gets his way. You folks might remember that come next election day! And for those of you in Joplin who voted Rethuglican last time you can now reap the devastation that you sewed!

The reason for this insanity is about the same as those mythological loonies who believe the world was coming to an end. You’d think that the empirical evidence was so overwhelming that both our weather and religious freaks would know better, but they both share a common trait.

A host of new discoveries in psychology and neuroscience has certainly demonstrated how our preexisting beliefs –far more than any new facts — can skew our thoughts and even color what we consider our most dispassionate and logical conclusions. This reliance on “motivated reasoning” helps explain why we find the sheeple so polarized over matters where the evidence is so unequivocal, e. g., global warming, the rapture, the birthplace and religion of the President, Iraq was going to nuke us at any moment so we have to immediately invade, etc., etc., etc.. It seems that expecting people to be convinced by the facts flies in the face of….the facts.

This explains why the basic brainwashing that we all get from school, the church, the media, and mom and dad are so hard to overcome by Americans. Why the Matrix is so full of Sheeple who refuse to leave their nice warm nests of stupidity! You can pull them free and show them the truth, but at the first opportunity they’ll rush back and plug themselves in, and there is nothing you can do about it! Zeus knows I’ve tried and tried to bring light into their darkness! Which explains why I’ve gone from trying to save the Sheeple from themselves to informing those who have already pulled themselves out of the Matrix and can think for themselves! Or as our mythological friends would say, “preaching to the already saved!” So any end-times preaching that comes from me will be based in reality, not religious fantasy! Can I get an awomen?

And Finally

Oh, and speaking of our mythologically-impaired friends, the reverend Harold Camping has, after careful consideration, come up with a new date for our doom — why am I not surprised by this?

“We are not changing a date at all; we’re just learning that we have to be a little more spiritual about this,” said Harold, the 89-year-old founder of the global evangelizing Family Radio network in a 90-minute radio broadcast late Monday. Harold went on:

“But on October 21, the world will be destroyed. It won’t be five months of destruction. It will come at once!”

Well, thank Zeus that he cleared that up! So at least I can wait until October 1st to purchase some earthquake insurance! I’m sure that those who thought they were Rapture-bound and were incredibly disappointed that the rest of us weren’t already burning and living hideous, tormented lives can now cheer up and waggle their fingers at us for another five months. It’s a pity that none of them have read the Book of Matthew — something one would suppose that all these holy Joes would have done because if they had they’d know that Camping is full of sh*t! Something we Atheists have known all along! If you’re a good christian and haven’t read the bible here’s what it says, Jesus said, about the rapture in Matthew 24: 36:

“But of that day and hour knoweth no [man], no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.”

So I’m only guessing that Camping isn’t big J’s father and hence Camping is just shearing the sheep from their bank accounts by pretending he does! (You may note that the “Family Radio network is a “dot com” as in commerce!) You’d think this cult of brain deads would have realized that by now but most all of them that’ve been interviewed are buying Harold’s latest song and dance. As Thomas Tusser, a 16th Century British farmer, horticulturalist, chorister, musician and writer, once said, “A fool and his money are soon parted.” Now, there’s someone who knows what he’s talking about!

Colleague Ernest Stewart a.k.a. Uncle Ernie is an unabashed radical, author, stand-up comic, DJ, actor, political pundit and for the last 10 years managing editor and publisher of Issues & Alibis magazine. Visit him on Face Book. Follow him on Twitter.

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