Jesus, Belatedly, Charged With Sexual Assault
World famous feminist lawyer Gloria Allbucks revealed shocking details contained in previously unread biblical blogs from the Dead Ocean Scrolls which show that Mary Magdalene suffered outrageous sexual abuse from Jesus but was too frightened of his power to say anything at the time.
“Now that times have changed and brave people are coming forward, we can speak out for her and finally show the world what really went on in the days before TV, the internet, and lucrative litigation” said Allbucks, whose press conference was attended by hundreds of elected officials, dozens of Papparazzi, several former clergy, and six members of Girl Scouts of America who had come to the wrong press conference.
Calls for re-crucifixion came from Atheists, Agnostics, Jews, Muslims, Democrats, Republicans, the Little Sisters of the Poor and the Big Brothers of the Rich, while many devout Christians asked for restraint and listening to both sides before rushing to judgment. Informed that both sides had been dead for thousands of years, they urged prayer and that Catholics conduct a second collection for all the suffering children in America’s charter schools.
Allbucks said she was dropping her case against statue defilers for their vicious cruelty to animals in removing bird toilets from public places and would put the full force of her skill into this case to finally reveal the untold story of a sexist criminal who fooled the world for far too long.
“When this case is over, things will never be the same for men, for women, and for all the other sexes”, she said.
Several of the elected officials were later accused of sexually molesting the Girl Scouts in attendance and another lawsuit is expected.
FRANK SCOTT—Calls for re-crucifixion came from Atheists, Agnostics, Jews, Muslims, Democrats, Republicans, the Little Sisters of the Poor and the Big Brothers of the Rich, while many devout Christians asked for restraint and listening to both sides before rushing to judgment. Informed that both sides had been dead for thousands of years, they urged prayer and that Catholics conduct a second collection for all the suffering children in America’s charter schools.
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Parting shot—a word from the editors
The Best Definition of Donald Trump We Have Found
In his zeal to prove to his antagonists in the War Party that he is as bloodthirsty as their champion, Hillary Clinton, and more manly than Barack Obama, Trump seems to have gone “play-crazy” — acting like an unpredictable maniac in order to terrorize the Russians into forcing some kind of dramatic concessions from their Syrian allies, or risk Armageddon.However, the “play-crazy” gambit can only work when the leader is, in real life, a disciplined and intelligent actor, who knows precisely what actual boundaries must not be crossed. That ain’t Donald Trump — a pitifully shallow and ill-disciplined man, emotionally handicapped by obscene privilege and cognitively crippled by white American chauvinism. By pushing Trump into a corner and demanding that he display his most bellicose self, or be ceaselessly mocked as a “puppet” and minion of Russia, a lesser power, the War Party and its media and clandestine services have created a perfect storm of mayhem that may consume us all.— Glen Ford, Editor in Chief, Black Agenda Report
6 comments
Is this supposed to be satire?
The implication being that even the pure jesus is subject to charges of sexual moslestation. There was never a pure jesus… only one that insisted on complete reverence or face the fires of hell.
The implication that it is fake news to assail the character of jesus, shows a bias that is unacceptable, the implication being that Jesus was kind & virtuous.
The essay “Why I am not a christian” by Sir Bertrand Russell dares to challenge the myth of jesus as pure, just & good.
Here I must fully agree with Ms Eisenbud. The blatant white straight male chauvinism exhibited by Scott and obviously backed by this blog is indicative of the blindness about the invasion of the private space of women and children by male aggressors. It is not the sexual offense but the full imposing of the greater power, whether it is by force or through economic means. That is at the base of capitalist violence and hierarchies and deleterious of social conscience. To eradicate this violation is a first task if one wants to create a new social contract whereby all people share equally in personal freedoms and rights. That it exhibits itself now in women’s protests over unwanted sexual advances in the working space is a first step towards a more just society. That it exhibits itself in the sexual arena is typical of the remnants of a repressed US Protestant ideology, but it is not sex but violence that is perpetrated on its victims.