By Branford Perry
And you thought the invasion of the body snatchers was fiction!
The Janusian party (1) that monopolizes American politics, in particular its Republican face, has mastered a colossal feat: the turning of Grade A excrement into things that look, talk and sound like regular politicians, to the delight of its clueless legions and the consternation of just about everyone else. This is no World News wacky news; it’s been confirmed by renowned political scientists. In fact, when we look more closely into it, we discover that this achievement has not only yielded run-of-the-mill politicos, impressive as that would be, but leading figures capable of aspiring to the corporate throne itself.
Since the first mutant appeared on the scene with the emergence of Ronald Reagan in the 1970s the prototypes have been continuously perfected by the party puppet-masters until now, when barely a trace of the offending substance can be seen or smelled, and the creatures can only be told by their pronouncements, which invariably lead any reasonable person to conclude that their brains are full of shit.
Indeed, when you take even a quick inventory of what these amazing creatures are saying and doing, all doubt about their true DNA vanishes. Their domestic policies are as simple as they’re unadulterated hypocritical shit. (They simply want to shit on the vast majority of Americans.) Their foreign policy, if we can call it that, jingoist to a fault, and compulsively warmongering and imperialist, is shit. Period. Their ecological posture of wanton denial toward the most urgent problems afflicting the globe and countless species (including our own) is excrement writ large. Shit, shit and more shit. Indeed, their whole environmental policy is guaranteed to turn the whole planet into one big cesspool, which is, after all, the natural home of all shit.
Their exteriors can be deceiving, of course. They range from the Ken and Barbie doll types like Mitt Romney, and Sarah Palin, to the avuncular, but poisonous, Mike Huckabee. Besides always giving the impression that he wears a suit one or two sizes too large, the rumpled Huckabee, who can spew shit and be a total suck-ass to the powerful like the rest of his ilk, brings to mind what Gunny Sgt. Hartman (R. Lee Ermey) shouts at one of his rookie recruits in Kubrick’s classic Full Metal Jacket. Observe:
I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your Senior Drill Instructor. From now on, you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be “Sir!” Do you maggots understand that?
RECRUITS (in unison)
Sir, yes, sir!
(The DI does his usual routine trying to instill the “fear of God” in the impressionable newbies. He whimsically renames each of the men, Pvt. Joker, Pvt. Snowball, Pvt. Cowboy, etc. One by one, Hartman does his best to humiliate the rookies. Below the pertinent repartee with Pvt. “Cowboy”.)
How tall are you, Private?
COWBOY Sir, five foot nine, sir!
HARTMAN Five foot nine? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!
You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?
COWBOY Sir, no, sir.
Now, how tall is Huckabee? Five-ten? Five-eleven? And I think Romney is six-foot-two.
Just imagine how amazed Stgt. Hartman would be.
B. W. Perry is a new contributor to TGP. Brought up in New Zealand, a former resident of Leeds, he lives with his wife and dog near Salinas, California, where he’s honing his skill as a satirist.
(1) a.k.a. Uniparty, duopoly, Republicrats, Rethuglicans.
ADDENDUM: You be the judge
Our proof that Huckabee is made of fecal matter
[The evidence is not hard to find, given how prolific the excrement people are, but the material below, excerpted from Newsmax.com's INSIDER REPORT, which caters to coprophiliacs, should suffice.)
Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee says the American people would definitely support an Israeli attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities — but questions whether the Obama administration would back such a strike.
"I'm confident that there would be an overwhelming support from the American people,” the 2008 Republican presidential candidate told CBN News in Jerusalem on Monday.
“Whether the American administration would be as supportive, I don't know.
“It's one of those real concerns that many of us have — why the Obama administration hasn't been stronger in its support for Israel in doing what it has to do.”
A bipartisan group of senators has passed a resolution declaring that it is unacceptable for Iran to obtain a nuclear capability.
"Now it's been pretty clear, saying it's unacceptable and all the options are on the table to keep Iran from having a nuclear device,” said Huckabee, who is hosting a tour of about 175 Americans in Israel.
“But it hasn't been as clear as saying that should Israel [act] as a sovereign nation to protect itself and to preserve its own survival, if it takes the action, we will stand behind her and accept that.”
He added: “They’re not just doing Israel a favor. They’re doing a favor for the United States, but they’re also doing a favor for the Saudis, the Jordanians, the Kuwaitis, the people of Qatar and the [United Arab] Emirates. Everybody in the world is safer for Iran to be disengaged from nuclear capacity.”
Middle East expert Walid Phares said in a Newsmax.TV interview on Tuesday: “If the Iranian regime is very close to putting a weapon on a missile, then no questions asked, [the Israelis] are going to try to take action. They will try to coordinate with us or inform us at the end of the day.
“It has to do with the width of Israel. It has to do with Israel unaccepting the idea that they could absorb one strike.”
Many Israelis and Israel supporters abroad are concerned that if Obama wins re-election, he would no longer be motivated to court the Jewish vote and could turn against Israel, CBN News reported.
Referring to those concerns, Huckabee said that in a second Obama term, when the “political consequences” are behind him, Obama’s “true sentiments” might surface.
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